The Dr. Brun PR Disaster

Teleportation: NOT that difficult!
Dr. Brun van Swingstelston PhD Quantum Theory and Russian Literature

The following is a transcript of a speech given by Dr. Brun van Swingstelston at United Nations Outreach Seminar in [REDACTED] on [REDACTED], regarding the future of travel in a post-nuclear age.

DR. BRUN – “Ladies and gentlemen, distinguished guests, members of the scientific community and puppets of the United Nations. I just want to start out by saying that I had brought slides but they were lost with the rest of my luggage getting here so I’ll do my best to describe them as needed in order to help make this as understandable as possible. What the hell is that idiot doing?”

DR. BRUN points at sign language interpreter.

[UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE] explains to DR. BRUN what a sign language interpreter is.

DR. BRUN takes a drink of water.

DR. BRUN – “Well it’s very distracting, whatever, this first slide would have shown a picture of me standing next to a large tube about eleven feet tall, I had planned on bringing a small 1:20 scale replica but it was in the same bag as my slides, the pieces of which are probably being sold at some back water market somewhere as tourist trinkets by some [REDACTED].”

DR. BRUN takes another drink of water.

DR BRUN – “Anyway, the appeal of point-to-point travel, god dammit, alright, can you stand behind me or something? And you better not make faces at me!”


DR. BRUN – “This technology completely negates moving an object into some alternate universe which I understand is much of the problem many of you are running into, not to mention the horrifying things that always seem inhabit that place, trust me, I know, hell, we’ve got the leftovers of an ancient [REDACTED] powering our facility and he/she or it is an absolute prick. This is because, like you, we tried going the traditional route as I’m sure any of you are aware after reading Jason’s book on the Incident that took place some time ago…”

DR. BRUN gulps down the rest of his water and motions for a refill from his intern.

DR. BRUN – “… anyway, the simple truth is that we compress space-time into a quantum packet of information which is literally sent down the tube at the speed of light where it is then essentially reconstituted thus never scrambling and reinterpreting the data such as our early systems did leading to all those insufferable clones.”

DR.BRUN slams back the cup of “water” and makes a cringing face before motioning once again for another refill.

DR.BRUN – “This really would have been easier with my slides, [REDACTED] airlines, and that’s the whole point, had we been able to get a system up and running in this sector, I wouldn’t be standing here with my dick in my hand because some low brow clock watcher can’t read a [REDACTED] luggage label.”

DR.BRUN drops glass of water that he has been spilling all over the place while hand talking, a few audience members begin whispering to each other INAUDIBLE.


DR.BRUN motions for a new cup and some more clear liquid.

DR.BRUN (slurring) – “Ok, let me see if I can break this down as I can tell by the glazed over look in your faces that I’m still being too complicated [INAUDIBLE GIBBERISH], the big bang, [LONG PAUSE] so all the matter in the universe was reduced, at the start to about the size of a pea, not unlike the size of the brain of the idiot who lost my luggage, we do that with people, so they’re really small ok? You following? Then they go down the pipe and emerge where they are made BIG again.”

DR.BRUN starts to unbutton shirt, is sweating profusely, a few audience members begin to leave. He throws his empty cup at the signer.

DR.BRUN – “Screw all of you, you’ll all see…”

MASTER OF CEREMONIES returns on stage with a few security personnel who usher DR. BRUN back stage.