We’re back online!

Hello everyone, first an explanation is in order. We suffered another catastrophic event after a [Mutant] ran amok in our server room. Now, of course it had to happen during “Austerity Month.” So, IT had to send an intern down to storage, to recover ‘the old server‘. There was a time when we said we’d never plug it back in, never give it power, let alone access to the net. Not after it inexplicably gained sentience, but desperate times call for desperate measures. So far we haven’t seen any sign of ‘probing’ taking place, that is, this machine will start to seek out nuclear launch codes but we have someone watching with their finger on the power bar button, so everyone can rest easy.

More information to come as we try to salvage anything from the older site. And this is also why you don’t keep the backups physically next to the main.

Back in time for the holidays!

We finally gained access to the web-server once again, condolences to the friends of the many clones lost during this process but more importantly congratulations to the survivors. Now that the facility is back in our control (for now), we would like to report on a few immediate observations that seem to be taking place throughout the upper, secondary areas. Beware of falling icicles in the main Atrium which seems to occur every time the facility shifts. Why the facility is shifting. we don’t know but should hopefully have an answer for you soon. Also the icicles are poison. Again, we don’t know but will hopefully have answers soon. With any luck these events will not disrupt the planned Christmas party next week, due to take place in the Atrium, but if so, umbrellas will be made available.

ATTN: Shareholders

Dear loyal SMG shareholders,

It is with great pleasure that we would like to announce today, our acquisition of “Space Monkey Games Ltd.” Your shares will be absorbed into our organization but remain reflective upon their value under the previous company as it settles into its new home as a division under our vast umbrella. For example, looking at the current value, if you had $1 worth of stock in SMG, it’s now worth $0.01 within its new home at FRK Holdings. But we urge you not to “cash out” at this time, as we predict that value will grow by as much as 5% over the next fiscal decade.

Now we would like to take this opportunity to dispel a few myths you might have heard or may hear in the future about our Social Engineering venture and Free Range Mutant endeavors before anyone from the press or perhaps even the authorities contact you. Yes, we may have dabbled in a few programs that might have been considered crimes against humanity or morality but we’ve taken great strides to settle differences with any would-be whistle-blowers that might have involuntarily left our facility. If you were unaware of any of these activities, never mind, it’s not important.

What is important is how your long term investment is helping to reshape the world as we see fit, and the financial rewards that come with that commitment.

Horrp Yamerfjord
Vice President
Freekin Department of Mergers and Acquisitions

Correction

We would like to correct an article that went out in the Freekin Gazette yesterday, which read:

“It was a hot time at Ramrod, a prominent gay bar located within the Administration block, with a 4 alarm fire that raged overnight. The arsonist had apparently gained access through the back door.”

It would appear that some fact checking failed, somewhere along the line, and someone was, in fact, playing a practical joke. We wish to ensure everyone that no such place ever existed. Even if it did, we take security around here very seriously and keep all of our doors, especially our back doors, closed up tight.

Please update your browser!

This is just a reminder to make sure you update to the new Netscape Navigator version 4.0.8, released recently. This will avoid any browser related issues and thus any important announcements on this web zone.

Compacted

We would first like to mention that the ejector seat in the new [CLASSIFIED] vehicle worked great, so good job with that Team 41. Unfortunately due to a crossed order it was installed in a vehicle that did not have the appropriate roof mechanism and thus Y4291 was mashed between the seat and roof. This lead us to the formation of a new rule, please test everything BEFORE using a clone, it’s not that they’re expensive, they just make an unnecessarily huge mess under circumstances such as these.

Disposal was carried out in the usual fashion in accordance to standard facility protocol although took up much less space.

Why we use PR people…

The question has come up a few times recently as to why we no longer send our best and brightest out there to personally talk about our services, technology, or legal issues. We will direct you to a transcript of  The Dr. Brun PR Disaster. ‘Nuff said.

Why there is currently no running water in the facility…

ATTN: All Staff, specifically, DE-6

It is with great sadness when any member of our non Non-Person-Clone staff passes away, as was the case last Tuesday; however this post isn’t to address his passing so much as it was the funeral service that has once again forced us to make a few changes around here. It was no secret that general contractor John Elvis ‘Thor’ Fanaka from construction crew Delta-Echo6, had never missed an opportunity to speak of his “Viking heritage,” a bit of information we’ve always found questionable at best, given the fact the he was born in Kenya, and had absolutely no “Nordic” traits whatsoever. We understand that those close to him had wanted to honor his adopted heritage, and keep in line with what we’ve learned was his last request as the scaffolding to which he clung so dearly, in his last moments, collapsed.

It is however the nature in which his “Norse funeral” was carried out, that we would like to address (not to mention breaking into the morgue). We would like to make it perfectly clear that the artificial river feeding into the water treatment plant is NOT to be used for the disposal of dead bodies. Even though the large mashers were able to break up the flaming door on which he was afloat (also, mystery solved on where Dr. Teller Wittman’s office door went), the larger half of the corpse got stuck in an intake scrubber, shutting the entire plant down. This also poses a serious health risk.

As maintenance crews fish out the body and repair the station, we have had to order tens of thousands of dollars worth of bottled water, which thanks to the unsolved problem of teleporting un-dissolved water, has to be flown in, at even greater expense (water is heavy, fuel is expensive).

As for the crew of DE-6, we know you meant well, but in the future, come to us first. From now on we will also be assigning security staff to that location, 24/7. Anyone not authorized to be there will be removed and their activities reported. We will also have a wire mesh installed along the length said river.

In the meantime, we have set up a water distribution center near the security checkpoint at the base of the Atrium. Please help spread the word to your fellow workers. Limit is 10, 500mL bottles, per person, a day, and 4 for DE-6 personnel.

Achievement: Unbroken

Y1286 earned this achievement when he successfully completed an entire work-quarter without breaking any bones. Congratulations Y1286, you earned yourself one free single serving of milk from the Atrium’s Freekin cafe to help keep those bones strong.

ATTN: R&D – Employ Patience

There was a slight mix-up during a routine batch generation where 14 clones were lost numbering 9901-9915. This lead us to the formation of a new rule regarding patience when the system is busy. So this is for everyone in R&D, please don’t keep mashing the generate button if a clone doesn’t instantly appear and you’re getting a ‘not responding’ error, because as a result, 14 clones were generated at the same time, creating a massive (and very messy) amalgamation which fortunately did not live very long.

Also, using the emergency sprinkler system to “hose down the area” only made a bigger mess which managed to flood it’s way down the corridor, disrupting the entire department and losing several days of productivity.